Its June, the year is almost half over and it seems that I have been stuck on a single questions that seems so simple yet I am finding this question is a lot like an onion in that it has a lot of layers to it. So what is this perplexingly complex question? What do you want? Yup, that’s it. Four words and I’ve been pondering it since January. Each time I face this question, it shine on a different part of my being.
This past winter was rather dark and bleak for me. My depression hit me hard and held me down for a long time. My world felt like it was collapsing in around me. I was functioning at the “I can get done what must get done” level with little left over to do anything else. I have a few people with whom I can reveal the depths of my darkness, but to the rest of the world I would use my favorite phrase “I’m fine” when asked how I was doing. The people I trust are those who don’t try and fix me but rather simple are there for me.
Now I know this is going to sound strange but it is in these darkest moments that God and I have an intimate, deep, rich, soul searching times together. It was out of this time together with God that my question first appeared. At this time the question was really in the form of a feeling – frustrated. Work, church, life they all seemed to be getting me nowhere really fast — actually they were getting my nowhere really slow. Moments of hope sandwiched between mountains of despair or frustration (depending upon the day). What could I do? Where could I go? How do I fix it? I was stuck because I didn’t know what I wanted.
The actual wording of the question didn’t form until I went away to a 3-day silent Ignatian retreat. During the first conference the leader’s question was What do I want? This question summed up my past couple of months of wonderings. As I went back to my room to ponder this question I was able to come up with a list rather quickly (the first few layers of the question). My list was solutions to the things that had be frustrating me, getting some land for a cabin, loosing 50 pounds. These answers didn’t scratch the itch my soul was feeling.
After a little more time at the retreat my answer to the “What do I want?” became a desire to know God more. So for the last few months now I have not only been wrestling with the question “What do I want?” but also struggling to see if my answer of drawing closer to God was what I really wanted. It this is my answer, What does that look like?
During this time I was reading a number of books that in one way or another were asking The Questions or offering ideas on how to approach answering The Question. The Gift of Being Yourself, Sabbath, Sacred Rhythms, Discernment, God’s Will and Living Jesus all helped to guide me in this journey. God asked the question of Solomon, “What shall I give you?” (1 Kings 3:5) and Jesus ask the question numerous times of the people seeking things from him, “What do you want?” Solomon chose wisdom and those asking Jesus chose sight, healing, but some also simple chose to follow after Jesus.
As May arrived so did another round of depression and despair with a side of anxiety (something new to me) to boot. I was once again wrestling with doubt, worth, fear, work, and life. Like the author of Ecclesiastes state “Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.” (1:2, NIV). As I worked through the month I came back to the answer I first penned in March, that what I desired, what I wanted was to draw closer to God. To be in a deep intimate relationship with the creator of all things. In March my margin note to this answer was “Do I really want this?” I think I have come to the conclusion that yes this is what I want. Or maybe a better way to say it is this is what my soul desires, it is what my soul needs. So maybe a better working of The Question would be “What do I need or desire?” not “What do I want?” God has promised to give us the desires of our heart and to meet our needs. As one draws closer to God and aligns one’s heart with God’s we begin to see what it is that God has in store for us and our desires are met.
So this is where I sit after five plus months of pondering The Question. I guess the question I have for anyone that has read this through to the end is What does your soul desire? How are you going to satisfy that desire? For me, I’ve got my rule of life in place, a stack of books to read, an adventure in Ignatian spirituality to continue on, and most importantly the Holy Spirit to guide this entire process.
If you are interested in having another set of ears to listen to what you are hearing I do offer spiritual direction both in-person and on-line. You can contact me at scott@thesojournersgarden.org.
A couple of weeks ago I was sitting at Demontreville Jesuit Retreat House in the middle of a 3-day silent Ignatian retreat. I was the perfect end to a long desert time between me an God. At the end of 2015 I was tired and weary. I had just finished an intense year-long course of study to become a spiritual director that was both wonderful and very exhausting. I found myself withdrawing to process through the things I learned, or at least the things I began to learn and study. Then 2016 arrived and soon it was gone.
f this time and a stupid sheep. Who would have thought that God would use 