So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-11 MSG)
If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care — then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. (Philippians 2:1-4 MSG)
Thirty-two years and a day, that is how long I’ve been married as of July 11, 2014. Thirty-two years and a day. So what is my secret to a long and successful marriage? Who knows, luck, prayer, hard work, patience, forgiveness, love, common faith in Christ. This list could go on and on, but what it all boils down to is that there is no one secret ingredient for a successful marriage.
Books and articles have been written, instructional DVDs produced, and there are numerous seminars you can attend all designed to help you have a successful marriage. All these different venues cab be great sources of information and techniques for having great marriages and what they all have in common is that you need to actually DO what they are telling you or showing you. This is what I mean when I say marriage takes work, HARD WORK. Great marriages don’t just happen. There are times when I wish I had invested more time into these types of resources rather than learning the principles through trial and error. Then again…..
So what have I learned in my thirty-two years? I think the verses above from Paul sum thinks up quite nicely – “that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well.” and “Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.” The first talks about not only the quantity of love but also the quality of love you share. The second talks about putting others first. If you can do these two things well I think you are headed in the right direction in your marriage.
Are these things easy to do, NO!, Do I always pull them off, NO! Does my wife, NO! (sorry dear) The key is to keep doing it. The more you do these two things the more they become part of your character and the easier it becomes. By the way, you can and should apply these principles to relationships outside your marriage as well.
Let’s dig in a little deeper on these two principles. First, I want to ask what do you think it means to “love well”? You see I don’t think it’s as much about the quantity of love but rather it’s about the quality of love that matters. Paul gives us some descriptors of quality love – intelligent, sincere, circumspect and exemplary, and fruitful. Everyone will have their own thoughts on what quality love looks like based on their own circumstances. For me, some ways I express “loving well” is cuddling with my wife, putting away dishes, making the coffee in the morning (even when my wife is off to work by 5:30am), getting flowers at the farmers market, making sure we don’t go to be angry with each other, listening, and not leaving my socks in our TV room (ok, I fail at this one quite often). So what would be on your list of “loving well?”
Second principle, it’s not always about me. Marriage is about serving the other. Go ahead, try and out serve your spouse, I dare you! Paul says this “put yourself aside and help the other get ahead.” How can you help your spouse get ahead? Give them space to grow and see what blooms. I the long run both of you will benefit. Put together and adventure that you might be ok with but you know your spouse will love. Do I really want to go for a walk or bike ride, no but I know it will make my wife happy so off we go. Not begrudgingly or angrily but with joy. Maybe there is something you really want to do but your spouse doesn’t. Don’t lay down a guilt trip, rather go do it yourself or find someone else to come along. Now if you’re the one who doesn’t want to go or do something, see the sentence above. 🙂 After 36 years (32 married + 4 years dating) were pretty in sync with what we like and don’t like to do but sometimes I just don’t feel like it. My wife understands (most of the time) and goes on without me. What can you do for your spouse to apply this principle?
We also give each other the space we need to be us as individuals. I love my wife but 24/7 would be a bit much. My office is my space and her reading corner is her space. We can enter in but one doesn’t stay long. When I need to get away my wife gives me the time to go and when she want to get away with her friends I don’t put up a fuss. How can you give your spouse the space they need?
So what is my advice after 32 years and a day of marriage? Remember that marriage is an organic journey that is alway changing entrusting the adventure to God, be prepared for the bumps on the path, love not only a lot but well, try and out serve your spouse, and find the joy in both the good times and bad.
