Category: Random Thoughts

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Lost

It’s been almost a month since my last post. I haven’t even tweeted much. Why? Feeling lost, alone – much like David in many of the Psalms where he cried out to God in despair. I do what I need to do, but it is just that, doing. Few things bring me the joy, the comfort I have had in the past. Work is just that, work. Life seems like a giant whirl wind and I don’t know what direction it is headed at any given time. I feel as though I have lost purpose or meaning. Lost hope? No. Lost joy? No, but it is hard to find.

I find it interesting that I am so aware of my situation and at the same time unable to respond to it. Maybe I should be calling this blogging from the dark side. I have given up asking why, rather I think about what I am to learn. Who can benefit from my dark side ramblings?

Let me try a poem –

Hello darkness my old friend,
You’ve come to call on me again – yeah I know Simon and Garfunkle but it is a great way to start

In reality that is all I have – darkness is an old friend who has been calling for years. Some times its a brief visit, other time it seems like a prolonged stay. I can put a name to this darkness, it is depression – not sadness, not spiritual warfare, not not doing enough “spiritual” things, no it is as chemical imbalance in my brain that results in me entering into dark times. My dad suffered from the same thing at about the same age I am at now.

Today as I write this I can feel the darkness lifting. I am again able to listen for and to God’s still small voice. Hey, I’m even able to blog about it. I know my old friend will be back, may next week, maybe in a couple of months or a year. I just don’t know.

If you are like me and know this experience, remember that even in the darkness God is there, seek Him out for comfort. Seek out a medical or mental health professional to help you through this time. Let a trusted friend know so that they can intercede for you in prayer.

If you know someone who is in this situation don’t try and fix them, rather just be there when they reach out, pray for them. encourage them.

I have been living with depression for the last 15 years or so. I lived the first 7-8 without diagnosis, and the last 7-8 under the care of my doctor. I don’t have all the answers, shoot I don’t even know all the questions – but what I do know is that God is faithful in all things and He will be with you even when darkness falls.

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Not a Place to Dwell or Running from God My Way

To be honest, I don’t really know what to call the place I am in right now. It not the dark side of the soul, nor is it a place of deep, intimate relationship with God. I am not in a crisis of faith or belief. I am trying to listen, but don’t always hear or it seems all I hear is silence. It may also be that I hear but choose not to listen.

For me, right now, I don’t think is is any of the above reasons. No, what I believe is the issue is that I have chosen to run from God. I’m not talking a Jonah moment where God said do this and Jonah ran the opposite direction. No, my running from God looks more like a guy caught up in the things of life, to “busy” to do the things God wants him to do. Not all things, just the things that make my mind swiril. I find myself engaging in mindless activities instead of engaging in the ponderings that God has set before me.

By mindless activities I don’t mean spending time with family and friends. This is a good use of time. But did I really need to watch that TV show or movie, when I had carved out time to do my pondering? Did I need to check emails and see what is happening in the world during the time I had set aside for reading and tweeting? Did I have to let my mind wander and daydream about spring and new projects around the house when I had set aside time to work on my doctoral studies? You see its not about being to busy, I have carved out the time I need, but I then fill those times with activites that don’t need to happen when they do. I have time carved out for emails and such. I set aside time to watch my TV shows on Hulu or TV.com. There are times when I can daydream, but I need to keep that in check.

Just like Jonah, I am guilty of running from God. It is not a physical running, rather it is an intellectual running. It really doesn’t matter how you are running for the result is the same. Something that God wants me to do is not getting accomplished. Maybe I need to spend a couple of days in the belly of a fish (though I would rather not) to cry out to God, quit running, and to return to the what it is God wants me to accomplish.

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Caribou Ponderings

I often wonder what I should be when I grow up. I have come to a point in my life where I have a pretty good handle on who I am, how I’m wired, what drives me, and what stirs my soul. The question that I come to is how do I tie that all together in my life? I very much enjoy what I do, and it does fit who I am. Does it fit perfectly, no but it meets the 80/80 percent Greg talks about when it comes to what we do. The thought goes like this – you are in a good fitting job when 80% of who you are is 80% of what you do. The other 20% of what you do are simply the things that need to get done to do the other 80%. As for the 80% of me, I don’t think it is possible to find a job, task, activity, etc that you exercise 100% of who you are. 

That said, to fulfill the missing 20% we take on other ministries, activities, or tasks to use our neglected skills & passions. I guess I need to figure out how in any give day, week, or months I can in fact use all the different skill sets, talents, or gifts to server others and extend God’s love to them.