I sit in a hermitage (St. Margaret Mary of Alacoque) at Pacem In Terris as has become my tradition at the end of the year. This quiet and solitude gives me a chance to still myself as the old year winds down and the new year begins to unfold before me. This year I have had the opportunity to spend for days alone with God. People ask me what I do for the four days. Well, I sit, I ponder, I wander, I pray, I read, but mostly I sit in the silence and listen. I listen for what God is inviting me to explore.
My only agenda on this retreat is to do my annual Grand Examen. But even this I hold loosely. After spending most of Thursday winding down on Friday I spent time with my Grand Examen and found five things that jumped out at me.
The first two themes are interrelated. The first theme has to do with the question “What do you desire?” This is not a new question but one that seem to keep getting richer each time I ponder it. The second has to do with a spiritual polarity of wanting to have a deep, rich, intimate relationship with God (my desire) yet also holding God in Awe or Reverence. These two things seem to opposites of each other. What I have learned is that this isn’t an either or option. Rather I will have my deep, rich, intimate relationship with the God I know and hold in Awe the mysteries of God that I have yet to discover and know.
The third theme was a deep dive into who I am. I explored my false-self, dark side, enneagram, wiring, desires, and a lot more. This deep dive was about a 3 month process that was summarized in a brief 50 page paper that I am still processing though. It was a process I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but one that would be valuable to anyone who wishes to know themselves better. David Benner (The Gift of Being Yourself) would stay that it is by knowing yourself better that you would know God better. I think this rings so true.
The fourth theme really wasn’t a theme but rather an event. I spent four days last May alone and Bass Lake NW of Ely, MN off the Echo Trail. This was a campsite I haven’t been to in a very long time and it felt good to be back there. Ely holds a special place for me as it was my spiritual birthplace oh so many years ago. I was able to do a lot of reflecting over the past 35+ years of walking with God. It was just a wonderful time of remembering.
A couple of closing thought to wrap this up. First, I have been paying closer attention to my times of consolation and desolation. These two terms were coined by Ignatius of Loyola as a way of describe one one is moving towards God (Consolation) and when one is moving away from God (Desolation). Perhaps I will spend another posting exploring these two conditions. For now just notice when you are in a time of consolation or desolation. Remember and write about your times of consolation so that when you are in times of desolation you can rest in the hope that God has not left you.
The final note is that of my ongoing Invitation into the Unknown. You can read about it in the link above and follow long in my posting #Pilgrimage2020.
If you would like to explore or talk about anything I brought up let me know and we can connect with in person or virtually.
Blessing in 2020.